"If you treat a man as he ought to be and
could be,
he will become what he ought to be and could
be"
Goethe
A parlor game for the Biblically inclined:
Of all the verses in the Torah, which is the commandment people fulfill most
often? I’d put my money on this one:
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הוֹכֵחַ תּוֹכִיחַ
אֶת עֲמִיתֶךָ,
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Criticize, yes, criticize your fellow,
And you
shall not bear sin because of him!
(Leviticus 19)
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The action has many names: admonishment or
feedback, advice or chastisement. Each verb reflects a different style and
approach in the conveying of the same basic information (“you did X and that
was a mistake”). What word would you use to describe the last time you
criticized someone? Rebuke seems to be a favorite of Bible translators, although
the more neutral “reproof” comes the closest to the Hebrew original – tochecha
תוכחה,
from the Hebrew word להוכיח – to prove; to make manifest.
What is clearly manifest is that criticism
is too often a self-detonating mechanism. It is experienced as an attack – thus
inviting a defensive response, or a counter attack… There is no speech act more
quotidian and yet more treacherous then the conveying of criticism.
And yet there is nothing more crucial to a
healthy society - or relationship - then a healthy culture of criticism. Getting
this commandment right is crucial at home as in the workplace, in the trenches
of social action as between friends. To use the language of our weekly portion,
Kedoshim - which begins with the call to “Be Holy!” and continues to
command us to “Rebuke, yes Rebuke!” – the path to a Holy Society passes through
the Temple of Rebuke. But our text seeks to create a society which aspires not
only to Holiness but also to Love. Our chapter, Leviticus 19, includes not only
“Be Holy” but also “Love your Neighbor as yourself” among its top-ten. Indeed,
for the Rabbis, rebuke is the very cornerstone of a loving relationship:
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אמר ר' יוסי בר' חנינה: התוכחת מביאה לידי אהבה, "הוכח לחכם ויאהבך" (משלי ט ח), היא דעתיה דר' יוסי בר' חנינה דאמר: כל אהבה שאין עמה תוכחת
אינה אהבה.
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Rabbi
Yose son of Rabbi Hanina said: Rebuke leads to love, as it says, “Rebuke a
wise man, and he will love thee” (Proverbs 9:8). In addition he said: Love
unaccompanied by rebuke is not love. (Beresihit Rabbah 54; 21:25)
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So how is criticism done right? I’m still
working on that one. In the meantime, I’ve found some good practical advice in
the following sources:
Speak Sheep to Power
Nathan is faced with the challenge of a
lifetime when he is commanded to make manifest to his King that he is not only
an adulterer, but a murderer to boot. Facing King David, Nathan’s dilemma
captures how painful the process of rebuke is. For at its core, rebuke is the
tearing off of a mask of lies and deception which a person has told not only others,
but himself.
Nathan’s solution is brilliant: I can’t rip
this mask off his face, but he can…
1The Lord was displeased with what David had done, and the Lord
sent Nathan to David. Nathan came to David and said, “There were two men in the
same city, one rich and one poor. 2The rich man
had very large flocks and herds, 3but the poor
man had only one little ewe lamb that he had bought. He tended it and it grew up
together with him and his children: it used to share his morsel of bread, drink
from his cup, and nestle in his bosom; it was like a daughter to him. 4One day, a traveler came to the rich
man, but he was loath to take anything from his own flocks or herds to prepare
a meal for the guest who had come to him; so he took the poor man’s lamb and
prepared it for the man who had come to him.”
5David flew into a rage against the
man, and said to Nathan, “As the Lord lives, the man who did this deserves to
die! 6He shall pay
for the lamb four times over, because he did such a thing and showed no pity.” 7And Nathan said to David, “That man
is you! […] 13David said to Nathan, “I stand guilty before God!” (Samuel II 12)
Nathan does not rebuke David, he sets up
the situation so that David rebukes himself. He invites David to view himself
from an external viewpoint, allowing him to recognize and admit his own guilt.
Successful rebuke is the act of causing self-incrimination.
Speak of the Future, not the Past
Maimonides in his Code gives some practical
advice on the setting in which successful criticism can be given:
He who rebukes another, whether
for offenses against the rebuker himself or for sins against God, should
administer the rebuke –
in private;
speak to the offender gently
and tenderly;
and point out that he is only
speaking for the wrongdoer's own good, to secure for him life in the world to
come.
(Maimonides’
Code, LAWS OF CHARACTER TRAITS 6:7)
Maimonides points out a few concerns: social setting (privacy, intimacy –
avoiding public shaming); tone and timing (not to criticize as an immediate
response or an emotional outburst, but in a methodical and opportune moment);
and finally –creating an atmosphere of trust and genuine investment in the other’s
wellbeing. Rebuke cannot be experienced as a gratuitous revisiting of
yesterday’s actions (or the making of a theological stance about the afterlife).
The motivation for criticism must be the desire to see the best possible future
for the other.
Don’t Speak
There is a commandment to rebuke, but sometimes – if there is cause to
believe that the rebuke will not achieve the desired effect – the correct
fulfilling of the mitzvah of rebuke is to be silent.
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אמר רבי אילעא משום ר' אלעזר בר' שמעון: כשם שמצוה על אדם לומר דבר הנשמע, כך מצוה על אדם שלא לומר דבר שאינו נשמע. רבי אבא אומר: חובה, שנאמר: "אל תוכח לץ פן ישנאך הוכח לחכם ויאהבך" (משלי ט:ח).
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R. Ela’a in the name of R. Elazar son
of R. Simeon said: Just as one is
commanded to say that which will be heard, so is one commanded not to say
that which will not be heard.
R. Abba stated: It is a duty, for it
is said in Scripture: "Rebuke not a scorner, lest he hate thee; Rebuke a
wise man, and he will love you" (Proverbs
9:8). Talmud
Bavli Yevamot 65b
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Figuring out when
to rebuke and when to stay silent is perhaps the most challenging of all. For
me this week’s portion invites a moment of introspection: those times in which
it would be wise to be more sparing in fulfilling this commandment, and the
time when my opting for peace and passivity turned into passive aggressiveness…
But perhaps the biggest piece of advice
is not about giving rebuke, but about being a person who willingly accepts,
even seeks, advice. As Sefer Haredim, a 16th century self-help guide
for “Holier living” puts it:
"Remove the barriers
from your heart" (Deut.
10:16) A person's heart must be soft and receptive, receiving the
words of a reprover and not hating him, rather loving him more, as the verse says: “Rebuke the wise one
and he will love you” (Proverbs
9:8).
Finally, after
teaching about rebuke a few years ago, someone gave me a wonderful gift. This
poem by William Blake:
A Poison Tree
I was angry with
my friend;
I told my wrath,
my wrath did end.
I was angry with
my foe:
I told it not,
my wrath did grow.
And I waterd it
in fears,
Night &
morning with my tears:
And I sunned it
with smiles,
And with soft
deceitful wiles.
And it grew both
day and night.
Till it bore an
apple bright.
And my foe
beheld it shine,
And he knew that
it was mine.
And into my
garden stole,
When the night
had veild the pole;
In the morning
glad I see;
My foe
outstretched beneath the tree.
Shabbat Shalom,
Mishael
